INVENTORY

I’m just gonna come right out and say it.  I’m a food hoarder.  I mean, it’s not like I’ve been diagnosed by a professional, but this must be the case.  No human being needs as large a store of food as I have.  The upside is that, at the moment, I’m completely prepared for a zombie apocalypse. 

I think this all stems from (wait for it...waaaaiiit for iiiit….) my childhood.  Super cliché, right?  But it’s true!  Case in point: Halloween.  I would come home with a pillowcase full of chocolate and other sugary items (plus one toothbrush; go dentist) and what would I do?  Eat the Smarties first.  And did I like Smarties?  No sirreeee Bob.  So wtf, you say.  Well, I was saving the chocolate (especially the Snickers) for special occasions – that moment when I really wanted one because we could only afford to buy the essentials and Almond Joy wasn’t on that list.  So that’s the key: I’ve always held on to what I could in case I needed it later.

But later is now and I’m about to throw down.  Foodstuffs, you are my nemeses.  To help guide me (and you, so you don’t think I’m changing the game as I go), I’ve created a list of rules to which I must adhere:

ZE RULES

1. I can create any meal I want as long as it consists of ingredients I already have in my refrigerator, freezer, or kitchen cabinets.
2. I have to finish off perishables before they spoil.
3. I can dine out, but if I have leftovers I have to bring them home and consume them before I make another meal.
4. Until I have two items left (not counting condiments or staples), the only groceries I can buy are beverages and Cheerios.

Why the exceptions, you ask? 

• Well, beverages and Cheerios are things I never waste and consume consistently every day.  Unfortunately I don’t have time to cook breakfast – with rare exceptions it’s pretty much been cereal every day since college.  
• I’m hell bent on getting rid of all the condiments and all the staples so I can start fresh with what I really need, but both you and I know that if I have a quarter cup of flour, two tablespoons of mustard, and a half can of baking powder, that is a recipe for a little thing I like to call “gross.”
• Two items left:  My personal goal is to have NO items left, but if I have a planning blunder and end up with chocolate and Brussels sprouts, let’s be real; I’m not eating that.
• Also, the “dine out” stipulation is so I can actually have a social life.
• And finally, if I’m not reasonable with myself, I’m liable to throw in the towel.  This gives me at least some leeway to not be a pansy.

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And now the moment you’ve all been waiting for: HERE BEGINETH THE INVENTORY. 

Cabinet	1 box	Betty Crocker Au Gratin Potatoes
	2 cans	Chunk light tuna in water
	3 bags	Orville Redenbacher’s Smart Pop! 100 Calorie Bags
	1 bottle	(18 oz.)  Sweet Baby Ray’s barbecue sauce
	1 bag	Tasty Bite Bangkok Beans
	1 bottle	(12 oz.) honey dijon mustard
	1 box	Tuna Helper Creamy Broccoli
	1 can	(15 oz) Black beans
	1 can	Campbell’s Chicken Tuscany soup
	5 cups	(2.5 oz each) Single serve peanut butter
	1 can	(10.75 oz) Cream of chicken soup
	1 can	(15 oz) Kidney beans
	1 can	(15 oz) White beans
	1 can	(10.75 oz) Tomato soup
	1 can	(12.5 oz) Canned chicken in water
	1 can	(8 oz) Tomato sauce
	2 cans	(14.5 oz) diced peeled tomatoes
	1 can	(14.5 oz) diced tomatoes with onion, celery, and green pepper
	1 can	(15 oz) chili beans
	1 can	(8.25 oz) sliced beets
	1 can	(10.75 oz) Cheddar cheese soup
	1 can	(14 oz) artichoke hearts
	1 bag	Roasted garlic potato corn soup mix
	1 jar	(10 oz) carrot jam
	1 jar	(2.45 oz) dark cherry butter
	1 jar	(2.45 oz) plum preserves
	1 bag	Baked Tostitos Scoops
	1 box	Beefed-up barley soup mix
	1 box	Seafood veggie chowder soup mix
	15	Graham crackers
	1 jar	Dry roasted peanuts
	1 lb.	Lasagna noodles
	1	Mushroom noodle soup bowl
	6 oz.	Egg noodles
	1 handful	Whole wheat rotini
	1 cup	Short grain brown rice
	2 cups	Long grain brown rice
	1.5 cups	Cous cous
	1 bag	(14 oz.) Thin rice sticks (noodles)
	1 bag	(14 oz.) Wide rice sticks (noodles)
	1 jar	(12.5 oz) Pumpkin butter
	2 lbs.	Raisins
	1 box	(16 oz) elbow macaroni
	1 box	Cornbread stuffing
	1.5 bags	(18 oz) fruit and berry trail mix
	1 box	Hamburger Helper Stroganoff
	1 box	Tuna Helper Cheesy Pasta
	1 box	Whole Grain Hamburger Helper Cheeseburger Macaroni
	3 sleeves	Saltine crackers
	1 bottle	Sparkling apple cider
	1 box	Beer bread mix
	1 box	Apple cinnamon muffin mix
	2 cups	Polenta
	2 cups	Grits
	1 carton	(16 oz) Matzo meal
	3 cups	Flax meal
	1 cup	Crushed peanuts
	1 cup	Sunflower seeds
	1.5 cups	Dates
	½ cup	Sliced almonds
	1 handful	Whole almonds
	2 cups	Flax seeds
	1.5 cups	Pumpkin seeds
	1 bag	Chocolate melts
	1 sm bag	Dried potatoes
	1.5 cups	Prunes
	1.5 cups	Dried cranberries
	1 box	(18 oz) Eating Right granola cereal
	1 bag	(12 oz) Maple Crunch granola
	1 bag	(individual) bran cereal
	1 bag	(individual) Kashi puffed wheat cereal
	5 cups	Pancake mix
	2 cans	(4 oz) diced green chiles
	1 box	Dark chocolate brownie mix
	4 cups	Long grain white rice
	1 box	Individual Crystal Light lemonade packets
		tea
	6 cups	Cornmeal
	½ cup	Slivered almonds
	½ cup	Dry yeast
	3 lbs	Powdered sugar
	1 box	Brown sugar
	1 ½ canisters	Hershey’s cocoa
	1 bag	Cinnamon sticks
	1 box	Corn starch
	2 canisters	Baking powder
	1 ½ cups	Splenda brown sugar blend for baking
	1 bag	Splenda sugar blend for baking
	1 ½ cups	Turbinado sugar
	2 cups	Wheat germ
	5 cups	Biscuit mix
	10 cups	White flour
	8 cups	Wheat flour
	8 cups	Sugar
	1 bag	(16 oz) mini marshmallows
	1 packet	Taco seasoning mix
	1 packet	Fajita seasoning mix
	1 packet	Beef stew seasoning mix
	1 packet	Sloppy joe seasoning
	1 packet	Gobi spice blend
	1 packet	Tandoori chicken spice mix
	1 cup	Protein powder
Freezer	½ carton	Mint cookie crunch ice cream
	7 ¼  sticks	Margarine
	½ stick	Butter
	4 boxes	Amy’s Indian Mattar Paneer frozen dinner
	1	Lean Cuizine mini pepperoni pizza
	1	Healthy Choice chicken parmigiana dinner
	7	Fruit Chillers Freeze & Eat tubes (strawberry)
	1 ¼ lb.	Lean ground beef
	3 bags	(12 oz) cranberries
	14 oz.	Extra firm tofu
	40 oz.	Boneless skinless chicken breast tenders
	4	Crunchy breaded fish fillets
	1	8 oz bag asparagus
	1	12 oz bag asparagus
	1 bag	(14 oz) whole green beans
	1 bag	(16 oz) Brussels sprouts
	1 bag	(16 oz) cauliflower
	1 bag	(16 oz) broccoli
	2/3 pkg.	Frozen spinach
	2	Roasted chicken patties
Fridge	1 bulb	Garlic
	1 loaf	Sliced 12-grain bread
	¼ loaf	Unsliced wheat bread
	1 ½ cups	Butterscotch chips
	2 cups	White chocolate chips
	1 bottle	Ketchup
	2 tbsp	Sweet Baby Ray’s barbecue sauce
	1.5 bottles	Worcestershire sauce
	1 bottle	Oyster flavored sauce
	1 bottle	Honey
	1 jar	Chili garlic sauce
	1 box	Junior mint inside-outs
	1 lb.	Butter
	1 jar	sliced pepperoncini
	3 packets	Soy sauce
	9 packets	Mild Taco Bell Border Sauce
	4 packets	Verde Taco Bell Border Sauce
	As much as I want!	Milk
	8 oz	Almond butter
	2	Onions
	16 packs	String cheese
	1/3 bottle	Cranberry juice
	10	Eggs
	1 jar	(24 oz) salsa
	1	Large fuji apple
	3 tbsp	Raspberry jam
	1 jar	(9.5 oz) rhubarb & berry fruit spread
	1 jar	(10 oz) fig preserves
	½ liter	Sparkling water
	2 tbsp.	Peanut butter
	1 bottle	Hot sauce
	1 bottle	Chai soda
	1 jar	Pickle sandwich slices
	½ slice	Smoked gouda
	¼ cup	Parmesan cheese
	7	Chocolate covered Oreo cookies
	3	Stale rolls
	1 jar	Butter chips
	1 jar	Green olives
	2/3 bottle	Grenadine

Go head.  Judge me.  I can take it.  I know I have too much shit.  But I’m trying and that’s what this is all about anyway.  If you’re brave enough, hop on my Facebook Page and send me some pictures of your fridges, freezers, and cabinets.  Maybe that will inspire me. 

And for my next trick...I'll organize this for you a bit.  I have some meals in mind already so I'll pull those ingredients off the list and put things into categories just to make it a bit (okay, a whole effing lot) more manageable.