MY FIRST POST-PROJECT RECIPE -- MINI APPLE PIES

Let's get this straight.  I have MAJOR issues with pie.  Like, major, deep seated childhood issues with pie -- especially apple.  I won't go into it, but just understand I have avoided making pie for about fifteen years because I was in charge of it at Thanksgiving when I was a kid.  So when I set out to make my first recipe with ingredients I could actually go out and buy, I had to make it a momentous occasion.  I thought "Alright, kid.  Let's go for broke."  I couldn't stop at just a pie.  I made mini pies.

Make a monumental recipe: check.
Face my fear apple pie: check.
Tackle the mini-pie: check.

Tri-f***ing-fecta.

The original recipe is from Pillsbury, but I made a couple alterations, cutting the apples into cubes instead of slicing them, adding the caramel to the filling, and using more crust (more surface area is needed for mini-pies, geeks), but the recipe is generally the same.

INGREDIENTS:
3 refrigerated pie crusts
1/4 cup finely chopped pecans
3/4 cup sugar
2 tbsp. flour
1 tsp. cinnamon
1/8 tsp. ground nutmeg
1 tbsp. lemon juice
6 medium cooking apples (I used 3 granny smith, 3 gala)
1/3 cup caramel ice cream topping

DIRECTIONS:
1. Allow crust to come to room temperature (about 15 minutes)

2. Roll out crusts on waxed paper and cut to desired size to fit in your cupcake tins.  You'll kind of need to measure for your own tins and use a small bowl or large mug to cut out the rounds.

3. Cut out excess corners (you can ignore this if you like; it just cuts down on the crust a bit.  I used a cupcake paper as a template.

4. Press crust rounds into ungreased cupcake tins.  Set aside

5. Combine flour, sugar, and spices in a small bowl.  Set aside.  

6.  Peel and chop apples into small cubes.  Try to cut them all about the same size so they cook evenly.

7. Add spice mix and caramel to apples, turning over until ingredients are well combined.

8. Chop pecans if you didn't buy them already chopped.  I recommend a mini food processor, which everyone should have.  I love mine.  (It sleeps on the pillow next to me.)

9.  Sprinkle pecans into bottoms of crusts.

This was my "test pie."  And a good thing, too!
I forgot to put the sugar in the apples.  What a dope.

10.  Spoon apple filling into crusts.  You can overfill.  The apples will cook down.  I ended up having so much leftover filling that I cooked it on the stove and added it to the finished pies.

11.  Bake at 425F for 30-45 minutes, checking every 10 minutes or so (through the window if you can) or until apples are tender and crusts are golden brown.  If you find crusts are cooking too fast at around 15-20 minutes, cover crust edges with foil or turn heat down.  (I can't remember what I did.  Sorry!)  Cool at least one hour before serving.

If I had it to do over again, I would just cook all the apples on the stove and bake the shells separately.  The bottoms ended up a little soggy and I think that could be avoided by preparing the two components apart from each other.  Also, I'd mix the pecans in with the apples.  And I might just do a whole pie next time just because cutting all the dough was way more involved than it needed to be.   All in all, though, I think it was a great success.  Everybody liked them and they looked really cool too.

Oh, and I'm not afraid of pie anymore.  If there was ever a time to use the term "epic win," it would be now.

Official Grade: A

THE HAPPY SHOPPER

Let me tell you, I was never a more happy camper to go to the grocery store than I was on November 21st, 2011.  And it was a good thing, too, because the parking lot looked like what would happen if an entire town had been evacuated in an apocalypse and had to congregate together.  You'd think that making my first shopping trip three days before Thanksgiving would have been a harrowing experience but I was too excited to mind all the idiots in my way.  I was a woman on a mission and I had pastry responsibilities for goodness sake.

Now, I couldn't go unarmed, of course.  First, tunes.  I highly recommend it.  Stupid people seem waaaay less stupid when you're bumpin' Electric Light Orchestra.  You just can't be mad at them.  I mean, what kind of a**hole would I be if I got pissed at someone while Don't Bring Me Down played in the background?  Try it sometime.  Giving idiots a soundtrack is like booping a person's nose after they yell at you.

And, of course, I couldn't go uncaffeinated.  I pretty much can't do anything uncaffeinated.  Starbucks is really my only vice, but it's a big one.  (Seriously.  Ask my friends.  If I drank alcohol like I drink pumpkin spice lattes, we'd all be in trouble.)

So, armed with some classic rock, techno, sugar, and coffee, I set out on my epic journey through Winco to obtain only what was on my list.  It was sooooo hard.  (That's what she said.)  Every time I turned a corner, I was like (imagine a cross between ADD and meth) "Oh wait, I need that!" And every time I had to stop and remind myself that even if I needed it, I didn't need it right now.

I think that's one of the biggest lessons I learned from this whole deal.  I was raised in a situation where the grocery store was a long way away and we didn't have much, so if you saw something on sale, you bought it, even if you didn't need it, so it was really difficult for me to say "I might need that in the future, but I don't need it now."  And that's the mantra I have to repeat to myself pretty much every time I leave the house now.  Do I need that now?  Nope.  Nope, I don't.  And I force myself to walk away.

Apparently this is what normal people do.  Or maybe it isn't -- you tell me.  Maybe that's why we waste so much as a society, because we get the galloping greedy gimmes (Yeah, I just dropped a Berenstein Bears reference.  Boom.) and we just buy without really thinking.  Who knows.  It's not my job to figure that out.  But it is my job to be a wise and discerning consumer.

Now, here's a major problem I noticed.  Before, I was going out and buying a can of this, a box of that without knowing how much I needed so I'd just buy more thinking I'd rather have extra than run out.  The solution?  Write that sh** on your list.  Exactly how much you need.  And Winco is a great place for that because they sell a lot of things in bulk.  You can get a half a cup of this, a pound of that, and not be burdened with extra.  Of course, you can't do this with everything, but that's an issue I'll talk about in another post.  But in the mean time, I have to share a little secret -- I totally brought my cups and containers to the store with me.  Shameless, right?  Nope.  I had just enough of what I needed and I didn't have to measure when I made the meal!  And yes, I was worried people would stare at me, but George Michael distracted me.  If they were watching, I didn't notice.

No, I didn't put my cup straight in the bin
if that's what you were thinking.

And what does my picky-choosiness get me now?  I receipt from Heaven!   I was so worried that replacing my staples would put me waaaay over the top, but it turns out that replacing the flour, salt, butter, cinnamon, sugar, and everything else plus all the groceries I had to buy for making apple pie, roasted veggies, and stuffed mushrooms for Thanksgiving cost less than my normal grocery bill.  That's right -- less.  I was floored.

Look at all the shizz I got!

So there you have it.  And now, whenever I go to the grocery store, I'm even more surprised at how much I don't buy.  I keep looking at the cart or basket thinking I forgot something.  (So if you see me in the aisle of Safeway wearing my derp face, that's why...)  Aaaaand as an added bonus, after a few weeks of being able to go to the grocery store I realized my cabinets were staying pretty empty which left me a ton of space for kitchen stuff!  But that's for next time, so stay tuned....

Happy shopping!

MY FAVES

Since I gave you my list of losers, I thought I'd give you a list of winners too, and I don't mean Charlie Sheen.  Here is my list of fave recipes from my Mutant Meals challenge.  And let's get this out in the open right now: I clearly am obsessed with sweets and carbs.  Deal with it.

ASPARAGUS & ARTICHOKE PIZZA



EASY CROCKPOT CHILI

CORNMEAL PIZZA CRUST

ALABAMA FIRE CRACKERS & HOT TACO CRACKERS

CHOCOLATE OATMEAL NO-BAKES

BUTTERSCOTCH BREENIES

KNOCK-YOUR-SOCKS-OFF BREAD PUDDING

CHOCOLATE PEANUT BUTTER GRAHAMS

OAT BERRY BARS

CHOCOLATE CUPCAKES

So there you have it -- the best of my best.  Enjoy!

L IS FOR LOSER

The following dishes were such train wrecks that I'm not even going to bother writing up the recipes -- they're just downright awful.  Besides wanting to clue you in to where all that other food went, I wanted to share some lessons learned from each process.  Like anything in life, sometimes you have to f*** it up to figure out how to succeed.  Like our good friend Thomas Edison said: "I have not failed.  I've just found 10,000 ways that something won't work."  Boom.

BARLEY SOUP

Lesson #1: Soup sucks.
This one was actually the last meal I made and it led me to a pretty monumental conclusion: I pretty much like soup as much as I like wearing dresses.  It's good every once in awhile when the right one comes along, but it's not my go-to meal.




CHILE CHEESE CHICKEN HELPER

Lesson #2: There is only one decent Hamburger Helper on the planet and this is not it.  

I'm very much a fan of the Stroganoff but after trying several different ones, I'm convinced the guy that devised the stroganoff mix was the best employee Hamburger Helper ever had and he only lasted one day.

Lesson #3: Never use chicken from a can.  Ever.

I don't care how lazy you are.  Go the store and buy a f***ing chicken.  

CRANBERRY RAISIN COUS COUS

Lesson #4: Cous cous goes stale.
It tastes like cardboard.  Grainy, grainy cardboard.











CRANBERRY RAISIN QUINOA

Lesson #5: Quinoa goes stale.
Mnyeaaaah.











CUCUMBER SALAD

Lesson #6: Cucumber salad is an acquired taste.
My sister looooooves this sh**.  I do not.  I gave it the good college try, though.










CURRY POLENTA

Lesson #7: Cumin seeds are best used sparingly.This is by far the most disgusting thing I made throughout this whole escapade.  I used the packet of aloo gobi spice I had and since I've made aloo gobi before, I thought it would be fine.  When I made aloo gobi, however, my recipe had about a tenth of the cumin seeds as this packet.

Lesson #8: If you taste as you go, taste a mouthful.  What I found strange was that I tasted every time I added spice.  But apparently I missed the hole cumin seeds when I did.



DOWN HOME CASSEROLE

Lesson #9: Things that taste good apart do not necessarily taste good together.  Stuffing is awesome.  Broccoli is super yummy.  Grits are boooomb.  But don't put them together.  It's not like chocolate and peanut butter.  They are not friends.



ENGLISH MUFFIN BREAD

Lesson #10: Yeast expires.  Even if it doesn't say it's expired on the package. -_-

Lesson #11: Baking powder expires.  You'd think that using the same can of baking powder  my whole childhood would've tipped me off, but no, I didn't know this.  Baking powder and soda should be replaced about every six months.

Lesson #12: Low and slow.  Admittedly, because I'd never made this before it wasn't my fault it didn't cook in the middle because I followed the instructions    to the letter, but this time-honored cooking tip warrants a nod here.


FLAX CRACKERS

Lesson #13: Crackers have fat in them for a reason.  Try making low-fat crackers some time.  Your dentist will be pissed.










HALLOWEEN CANDY REMIX

Lesson #14: Chocolate is a ninja.  It has to be tempered, it doesn't melt quickly, and what tastes good out of the wrapper doesn't necessarily taste good once it's melted down.  Everything seems fine and then all of a sudden, out of nowhere, chocolate will give you a jump-kick to the nuts without even batting an eyelash.

I've done chocolates before but I use the Wilton melts, not wrapped candy.  I also suspect that the chocolate wasn't too fresh, but it tasted fine at first.

Lesson #15: Chocolate has epilepsy.  Yeah, chocolate has seizures.  If you add water (or, say, microwave it with raisins in it) it will "seize," meaning the smooth meltiness will disappear into a grainy, rocky, nasty concoction that no one wants to eat.




PEPPERONCINI COUS COUS

See: Lesson #4: Cous cous goes stale.  I didn't realized that's what was wrong with the first recipe so I used it again.  Variable isolated.  Booyah.








SALSA RICE

Lesson #16: Cutting corners isn't always worth it.
When I saw a recipe that was literally rice cooked in a jar's worth of salsa, I was like "Hell yes!  Super easy!"  But then I came face to face with this sticky, gummy, sour mess.  Blech.




SIOUX INDIAN PUDDING

Lesson #17: Some flavors aren't for everybody.
I love gingerbread.  I love pudding.  I think you can do pretty much anything with cornmeal.  But I just can't like Indian pudding.  It so strong with molasses that it's a total turn-off to me.  If you like that sort of thing, go for it, but you'll be enjoying it without me.



WHOLE WHEAT SODA BREAD

Lesson #18: Replace white flour with wheat flour sparingly.  I love wheaty breads so I made the mistake of replacing all the flour with wheat flour and it ended up not cooking or tasting right.







GROSS BEVERAGES: CHAI COLA & ACAI WHITE TEA

Lesson #19: Chai good.  Cola good.  Chai cola bad.  Why the frick do they make this?

Lesson #20:  Anybody who ever tells me they like white tea is gonna get a punch in the face.  Why?  Because you're an alien and I won't stand for it.













Stay tuned for my recipe wrap-up, a few more lessons, and my first trip to the grocery store!  In the mean time, tell me some lesson's you've learned in the kitchen....

OAT BERRY BARS

If there's one recipe that I never would have thought to try but will keep 'til the day I die, it's this one.  Originally from Rachel Ray and reincarnated on Beloved Green, I put my own spin on the recipe -- some substitutions and altered directions -- and it's downright awesome.  I will warn you that my sister actually didn't like it, but she said it's because she doesn't really like oatmeal.  So word to the wise -- if you don't like oats...what they hell were you looking at this recipe for in the first place?

INGREDIENTS:
1 c. wheat flour
1/4 c. flax meal
1/4 c. Splenda brown sugar blend
1/4 c. brown sugar
1 tsp. cinnamon
1/2 tsp. salt
3/4 c. butter or margarine (I subbed prune puree for 2 1/2 tbsp. of it)
1/2 tsp. milk
2 c. oats
1 jar jelly, jam, or preserves of your choice

DIRECTIONS:
1. Preheat oven to 375F.

2. Combine flour, flax meal, Splenda, sugar, cinnamon, and salt in a microwave-safe bowl small enough to fit in your microwave (this is a just in case option I'll talk about below).

3. Cut the butter into small pieces or slices and mix into dry ingredients.  If the butter is too cold to mix and won't combine, throw the bowl into the microwave in 10-second increments until the butter is soft enough to combine.  It's ornery.  Just tell it who's boss.

4.  Set aside 1/3 c. oats.  Add the remaining 1 2/3 c. oats to the mixture.  This is the point where you're gonna have to get your hands dirty.  Mix in the oats by hand and knead "until all the oats have found a home in the dough."  (Totally stole that phrase; it's so cute.)

5. Grease a 13"x9" pan or line it with parchment paper, lining the sides of the pan too.  I recommend a shallow one (unlike the one I used here).  A deep cookie sheet with sides would work just fine.

6. Press the dough into the pan.

7.  Cover the dough with the jam or preserves (I used pumpkin butter for this batch).  But beware!  If you don't use parchment paper, be super careful not to let the jam touch the sides of the pan.  Why? That jam will either burn or get so hard you won't be able to remove the bars without breaking them.  I learned this lesson for you; don't let my pain go to waste, people.

8. Sprinkle the remaining oats over the jam.

9.  Bake for about 25 until the top oats start to turn golden brown.

10.  Allow to cool a bit (until not hot but still pliable) and cut into bars.  On my second batch, the parchment paper in a shallow pan allowed me to slide the entire thing out of the pan and onto a cutting board, which made it way easier to cut and remove, but it's up to you whether you want to do that.


Although this does have a pretty good amount of butter and sugar, I took it to work as a snack since it was full of oats, flax, and jam, which I like to pretend is still a fruit.  There were several incarnations -- pumpkin, plum, plain, and carrot -- and I think the plum was the best.

Pumpkin Butter

Plum Preserves (left) and Carrot Jam (right)

Plain was not my fave; it really needs the sweetness and gelled texture of the fruit spread to bring it all together.  And by the way, when I said carrot, I meant carrot jam, not actual carrots or carrot cake style.  Of all the things I was surprised were phenomenal, it was that freaking carrot jam.  Who knew?

Official Grade: A+