BEVERAGES -- A KEEPER & A LOSER

So besides all the food, there are a few drinkables I needed to get out of the way, namely lemonade and grenadine.  And on top of that, why not throw in some frozen fruit and frozen fruit icey sticks for good measure.

LEMON-BERRY SLUSHIE INGREDIENTS:
1 tray mini frozen lemonade cubes (just freeze some Crystal Light lemonade in a mini ice cube tray)
1/2 cup frozen cranberries
1 Fruit Chillers Freeze & Eat Tube (strawberry)
2/3 c. Crystal Light lemonade
1 tbsp. sugar (or more, to taste)

LEMON-BERRY SLUSHIE DIRECTIONS:
1. Add lemonade cubes, cranberries, and fruit chiller tube to blender and pulse until things are chopped up a bit.

2. Add 1/3 c. lemonade and sugar, blend, then add the other 1/3 c. and blend.

3. Enjoy!


GINGER ALE & GRENADINE INGREDIENTS:
1 can ginger ale
dash of grenadine

GINGER ALE & GRENADINE DIRECTIONS:
Really? Do I need to tell you?

It make a really pretty beverage, but unfortunately doesn't taste very good in my opinion.  See, one thing I've discovered from this mini-experiment was that I do not like grenadine.  Not in the slightest.  Why, you ask, would I own a bottle then?  Well, it had absolutely nothing to do with drinking it.  I was testing about ten recipes for fake movie blood and one of them included grenadine.  But when I'd only used half a bottle of it, I figured it would be a shame to waste the rest and that I'd use it at some point.  Let me tell you, I tried like the dickens to like it, but not being a fan of cherry-flavored cough syrup, I whole-heartedly reject it.

Official Grade for Lemon-Berry Slushie: A
Official Grade for Ginger Ale & Grenadine: F

CORNMEAL PIZZA CRUST

Another quickie -- this is a great go-to pizza crust but not what you would normally think of.  It's got kind of a crunchy element to it since it's main ingredient is cornmeal, but I really liked it and I hope you do to.

INGREDIENTS:
1/2 c. yellow cornmeal
1 c. flour
2 tsp. baking powder
1/2 tsp. salt
1/2 c. water
2 tbsp. olive oil

DIRECTIONS:
1. Preheat oven to 200F.
2. Combine cornmeal, flour, baking powder, and salt in a bowl.

3. Make well in the center and add water and olive oil.
4. Combine and knead for about 8 minutes until the dough is elastic and shiny.

5. Roll out to make a crust and use the cooking directions for your favorite pizza.  OR you can do what I did a bake it on it's own -- in crust or breadstick form --15-20 minutes or until golden.

Of course, I had no cheese, no tomatoes, nothing that traditionally goes on a pizza.  But a woman I worked with over the summer mentioned Disneyland had a peanut butter and jelly pizza.  Well...why not?

I wouldn't necessarily do the PB&J thing again, but those breadsticks are boss with some plain ol' melted butter.

Official Grade: A

STOVE-TOP POTPOURRI

Aaaaand now for something a little different.  I know it says "Mutant Meals" up there but sometimes I like to think a little outside the box.  And since it's now officially the holiday season, what better way to knock off some good-smelly items than to making a good-smelly concoction that will make your brain explode with warm fuzzies and the sudden need to hug or cuddle someone.

Warmth.  Cheer.  Wanting to rub yourself up against people.  That's what the holidays are all about, eh?

INGREDIENTS:
4 cinnamon sticks
1/2 cup whole cranberries
1 tbsp. whole cloves
water

DIRECTIONS:
1. Combine cinnamon sticks, cranberries, and cloves in a medium saucepan.
2. Cover with water.
3. Set saucepan on burner at its lowest setting and Voila! In about 15 minutes your kitchen will smell like cookies, lattes, and pie.

My apartment is small enough that it drifts over to the living room on its own, but you can take it for a little ride around the house if you like.  My mom used to do this with a pot of water and ground cinnamon when I was a kid.  The best part is after you let it hang out on the stove for awhile, you can let it cool and stick it in the fridge. (Freezer, maybe?)  I used it four days before I decided it had run its course.  According to the original recipe, which I can't find at the moment, you can also add orange peels for a citrus-y scent.

And just in time for the season, you can bag up the dry ingredients and give it as a gift if you're going to someone else's house for Thanksgiving dinner or a holiday party.

Official Grade: A+

ALABAMA FIRE CRACKERS & HOT TACO CRACKERS

I don't know why I ever buy saltine crackers.  No, wait.  I know exactly why I buy saltine crackers.  I go down the snack aisle browsing for crackers and always make the huge mistake of looking at the nutritional facts.  And instead of saying "Oh, Angela.  Just buy the crackers you like and use some self control," I say "Oh, Angela.  Buy the saltines.  They're way better for you and you shouldn't trust yourself with delicious things."

I'm literally rolling my eyes at myself right now.  I know it's dumb.  After all this cooking -- and ultimately having to force myself to eat the things I've bought -- I can honestly say that all of me, not some of me, ALL OF ME now says "BUY SOME DAMN F***ING CRACKERS, BITCH.  AND BUY THE GOOD ONES."  Why? Because when all is said and done, the only way I will eat an entire box of saltines is this way.  I made two batches, one with a twist on an existing recipe and one of my own, just to make it interesting:

INGREDIENTS:

<<Alabama Fire Crackers>>

1/4 tsp. garlic powder

1/4 tsp. onion powder

1/8 tsp. black pepper

3/4 tbsp. chili flakes

1 tbsp. from mix of 1 3/8 tsp. paprika, 1/2 tsp. sugar, 1/2 tsp. salt

1/2 cup olive oil

1 sleeve saltine crackers

<<Hot Taco Crackers>>

1/2 tsp. garlic powder

1/2 tsp. onion powder

1/4 tsp. black pepper

1 envelope taco seasoning

1 tbsp. chili flakes

1/2 cup + 1 tbsp. olive oil

2 sleeves saltine crackers

DIRECTIONS (the same for both recipes):

1. Mix seasoning together in a large Ziploc bag and add oil.  Seal bag securely and mix spices with oil by squishing them around.

2. Open bag and add crackers.  Shake that baby up until all the crackers are fairly well coated.

BUT (and this is a serious "but") make sure the bag is sealed properly.  Or this will happen.

RIP Crackers #1-5.  You gave your lives so others could learn.

3. Lay flat on the counter for 30 minutes.  

4. Shake and turn over.  Let sit for another 30 minutes. 

5. Shake and turn over.  Let sit for another 30 minutes. (Yes, again.)

6. All done!  Munch munch those munchies!

This is why I now have no problem buying any type of cracker.  It turns out that to make crackers good, oftentimes a little oil has to enter the picture to get the seasoning to stick and coat them with deliciousness.  I would hands down make these again and I recommend them for a party or if you have to bring something to a potluck and you're tired of bringing ye olde tater salad.

Also, if you like your crackers spicier, add some more chili flakes.  These were just about perfect for me because I'm a lightweight, but my buddy Mike (who would bathe in capsaicin if given the chance) said they could be hotter.

Official Grade: A+

TOMATO-BEET PASTA SAUCE

The good thing about technical difficulties is that when other people have them, sometimes they pay you in trade. The second good thing about other people having technical difficulties is that they keep happening, and you keep getting paid.  For me, it's in tomaters.  And I got a second round of them.  Since last time I copped out with sun-dried tomatoes, I thought I'd honor these lovely little bombs of flavor with a sauce that put them in the spotlight.

And this being Mutant Meals, I couldn't just make plain tomato sauce.  I had to mutantize it.  With beets. And believe it or not, it's actually pretty delish.

INGREDIENTS:*
2 tbsp butter
1 clove garlic
2 medium-sized tomatoes
1 can beets
2 tbsp. beet juice, reserved from can
1 tbsp. Italian seasoning
1 tsp. onion powder
2 tsp. salt
1/2 tsp. chili powder
1/2 tsp. black pepper
1/8 tsp. ground nutmeg
*Note: This makes a very small portion of tomato sauce, maybe for two or three plates.

DIRECTIONS:
1. Chop tomatoes and set aside.
2. Puree beets in a food processor and set aside.
3. Melt butter in saucepan or skillet on medium low.  Add garlic and sautee for a few seconds.

4. Add tomatoes and cook for about 5 minutes until broken down.

5. Combine seasonings together in a small bowl.
6. Add seasoning and beet puree and simmer for 10 minutes.

I actually really like this one, plus it's all my own.  The only recommendation I would give is to leave out either the chili powder or the pepper since it was a little to spicy for my taste.  I have friends, however (Mike, that's you), who would consider this mild.  I'd like to try this with a bit more tomatoes and maybe as a cream sauce, but I'd make it again.

Also, I ate it all up with rice noodles, which was the best I had to offer, but I'm sure it would be ten times better with a good spaghetti or angel hair.

Official Grade: B+

FAKEY-FAKE SUN-DRIED TOMATOES (IN THE OVEN)

Let me tell you, a month in the life of this challenge is a loooooong month.  And once I reached mid-October, that little voice in the back of my head (you know, the one with the common sense that I ignore much of the time) started yelling "Girl, you'd better get on this!  Thanksgiving's around the corner, ya crazy biatch!"  And the cooking commenced.  Like a whirlwind.

I'm sure this all would have been done sooner except in my line of work, when you come home, you don't want to cook.  You want to drink.  Or in my case -- the teetotaler I am -- lie down and watch Netflix 'til your eyes burn.

I've trudged ahead; however, as I've piece by piece fit in making most of the food, I haven't had time to blog it.  So be prepared for a barrage of recipes.  I'm about to tear this mother up.

Just to ease you in, I'll start with a quick one.  I actually acquired some lovely home-grown organic tomatoes when I set up a colleague's LCD projector (Thanks, Jan!).  And I assure you, I didn't ask for them and I didn't buy them, they just showed up on my desk.  And they smelled sooooo good.  First I thought "OH MY GOD TOMATOES.  I HAVEN'T HAD A FRESH TOMATO SINCE JESUS WAS BORN."  But then then I realized, very quickly, that I was going to have to make something with these suckers.  Time being of the essence for me, I decided to shrinky-dink them down so I could use them later but wouldn't have to worry about them getting bad.  Pretty simple really (original recipe from Kellie at allrecipes.com):

INGREDIENTS:
Tomatoes
Salt

DIRECTIONS:
1. Preheat oven to 125F.
2. Cut tomatoes into quarters and remove juice and seeds.

3. Lay, skin side down, on an oiled baking sheet.
4. Sprinkle with salt.

5. Bake until tomatoes are a leathery texture.  Because I had small pieces, this took about 6 hours, but might take more or less time depending on your oven and your tomatoes.

The verdict: The jury's still out because they're currently stewing in a soup as we speak, but I'll let you know what happens.  Also, I apologize for not having a final picture.  I think after I waited up so late for the tomaters to dry completely, I just wanted to hit the sack and forgot to preserve the moment.  But you know what sun-dried tomatoes look like.  They looked like that.

CHOCOLATE PEANUT BUTTER GRAHAMS

Hmmm...what to do, what to do.  Ya got four graham crackers left and what's your next move?  Well, I'm not one to just eat the dang things plain because this is an adventure.  I've got stuff to get rid of.  I'm not eating anything plain.  

My chocolate, having a seizure

So, before I begin, I'll tell you this one went awry, but let's make this a learning experience.  When you want to make your melted chocolate smoother, do not -- I REPEAT DO NOT -- add milk or water.  I had a perfectly good bowl of melted white chocolate, which I used half of, but I wanted it to drizzle, so I found out the hard way that adding even a tablespoon of milk will cause it to seize.   I even tried to add pieces of a chocolate bar to fix it.  No dice.

Seizing: a little internet enlightenment led me to this lovely word.  Before, I had no idea what it was. Seizing means that upon contact with water-based liquids, your chocolate will turn grainy and the moisture will separate out.  No more creamy.    How to avoid this?  Add oil instead. The short story: I started out with white chocolate chips and had to dip into my reserve chocolate stash to finish the job.

INGREDIENTS:
4 graham crackers
1/2 c. peanut butter
1/2 c. white chocolate chips
3/4 c. milk chocolate (chips, that is, but I had to use chocolate balls.  That's right.  Balls.)
1 tbsp. oil

DIRECTIONS:
1. Lay out waxed paper onto two baking sheets.

2. Carefully break graham crackers into fours.  I recommend using the heel of your hands -- not your fingers -- to avoid breaking them into small pieces.

3. Spread graham crackers with peanut butter.

4. Melt white chocolate chips in the microwave on a low or medium setting -- NOT HIGH (you will burn the shit out of your chocolate) -- and stir every 30 seconds or so.

5. Use a spoon to spread the chocolate onto the underside of each graham cracker.  (btw, this is where I f---ed up the chocolate because I wanted to drizzle the second half onto the top.)  Lay out on waxed paper.

6. Put trays into refrigerator or freezer to chill until chocolate is hard.

Step 6.5: Unwrap your balls.

7. Melt milk chocolate and mix in oil.  Use spoon to carefully spread chocolate over top and sides of graham, enclosing the graham and peanut butter completely.

7. Allow to cool and then eat voraciously.

I think this would probably be best with just milk chocolate, since the white chocolate made these a little on the sweeter side.  You could even try dark chocolate, but I think these really land best on middle ground.  What's great is they're small enough so as not to be overwhelming, but big enough to satisfy your sweet tooth.  I took these to work and they went like hot cakes.  One guy said they were really sweet and he couldn't eat the whole thing, but some people had two, so it all evens out.  And better yet, when offered the next day, people were asking for them, which means my coworkers weren't just saying they like them to be nice.

Official Grade: A

CHOCOLATE OATMEAL NO-BAKE COOKIES (TIMES 4)

There are a lot of things in this world we can't rely on: the weather, money, best friends who you think are your best friends but stab you in the back right smack in the middle of your impressionable teenage years...but I digress.  The only thing I've always been able to rely on is the arrival of my grandmother's yearly batch of Christmas cookies.  Bon bons, chocolate covered peanut butter ritz, oatmeal raisin, and my very VERY favorite -- chocolate oatmeal no-bakes.  Unfortunately, my grandmother is kind of...parsimonious when it comes to doling out the secrets of her recipes.

Grandma puts the cookies in coffee and oatmeal containers
rolled in wrapping paper and sends them to her kids' familes
every year.  She had 7 kids.  Damn, that's a lot of coffee and oatmeal.

Case in point, my father asked her for her sugar cookie recipe once and it took him years and many many batches to massage it into the actual recipe.  See, I suspect her strategy is to give out most of the recipe so it seems similar and then change some of it just to make not exactly hers.  Go ahead.  Say it.  "She's old.  She probably forgot."  or "Maybe she cooks by feel and doesn't know the exact measurements."  Bullshit.  She may not have been born an Ortner, but she was married to one, which means if it wasn't in her genes, she learned very well how to be sneaky.

Long story short: this isn't her recipe.  But lucky for me there are plenty of incarnations of it floatin' around on the wings of the interwebz and I found a good one -- and then made it better.  And what's more, I'm going to share it with all of you.

INGREDIENTS: 
1 c. white sugar
1 c. brown sugar
1/2 c. nonfat milk
1/2 c. margarine
4 tbsp. cocoa powder
2 1/2 c. oats
1/2 c. peanut butter
Variation 1: add 1 c. dried cranberries
Variation 2: add 1 c. chopped dates
Variation 3: add 1/2 c. pepitas (pumpkin seeds)

DIRECTIONS:
1. Lay out two sheets of waxed paper.
2. Melt margarine on low in a medium saucepan.  Add milk.

3. Combine white sugar, brown sugar, and cocoa powder and add mixture to saucepan.

4. Cook on medium low heat until the mixture comes to full rolling boil.
5. Cook at a boil for 1 minute.
6. Remove from heat and add peanut butter.  Mix well until blended.

7. Mix in oats.  For variations: Add cranberries, dates, or pepitas and mix well.
8. Drop onto waxed paper and let cool.  Voila!  Delicious!

To test out the different variations, I just divided the batch in four and added the equivalent.  If you'd like to make a multi-batch like I did, divide the mix after adding the oats and peanut butter.  One quarter stays plain. To the other quarters, add 1/4 c. cranberries, 1/4 c. dates, and 1/8 c. pumpkin seeds.  And not that I tried it, but I'm sure raisins or walnuts would be pretty good too.

The dates I had were a bit too dry for this, but I think that's just the particular dates I used.  Otherwise, this experiment went off without a hitch.  And I guarantee you, the cranberry ones will change your life.

Official Grade for Plain No-Bakes: A


Official Grade for Cranberry No-Bakes: A++


Official Grade for Pepita No-Bakes: A


Official Grade for Date No-Bakes: A-

HASTY PUDDING WITH GRAHAM CRACKER CRUMBS

That's right -- pudding.  I made homemade pudding.  No box.  No Cosby.  And I managed to make it without eggs, too.  Hearkening back to the good ol' days of yore, I rustled up the pre-Jell-O kind and made it all fancy-like with some smooshed up graham crackers.  Not bad for cabinet cuisine.

INGREDIENTS:

1/2 c. white sugar

1/3 c. unsweetened cocoa powder

3 tbsp. cornstarch

2 c. milk

11 graham crackers

DIRECTIONS:

1. Crush graham crackers by breaking into small pieces and givin' 'em a spin in a food processor.  Set aside.

2. Combine sugar, cocoa, and cornstarch.

3. Whisk in the milk, a little at a time so there are no lumps.

4. Pour into small saucepan and heat on low, stirring constantly until thickened.

5. Pour into baking dish.  Now you have two choices...

6a. Pour graham cracker crumbs over pudding.  Cover and chill in the refrigerator.  This is what I did, but it doesn't keep the grahams crispy.

6b. If you like your graham crunchy (which I recommend), cover pudding with plastic wrap to prevent a skin from forming and store graham cracker crumbs separately.  Top pudding with a few tablespoons of crumbs just before serving.

Bottom line: if you like dark chocolatey pudding, this is the one for you, but if you like your pudding a little sweeter, maybe try going easier on the cocoa powder.  1/3 cup is A LOT, considering many recipes call for a few tablespoons, so if I made this again I would half the amount and see what happened.  No matter what, it's pudding and it's simple.  Not as simple as pudding in a box, but it's the same consistency and with a little work on the cocoa, would probably taste just the same.  So if you don't have (read in a Cosby voice) "I luddell Julllo puddingg," then this'll do the job.

Official Grade: B

Potential with a Bit of Tweaking: A

SIDE DISH SPECIAL: GARLIC POLENTA & POTATOES AU GRATIN

I'll make this one quick.  That Crockpot Barbeque Chicken I showed you really goes well with a little potatoey, polenta-y goodness and these are two easy side dishes that dress up plain ol' hunk o' meat.  Add a veggie and you're solid.

Oh, and by the by, the potatoes are an out-of-box special, but I don't make them exactly as the box calls for. The polenta started as an amalgamation of two recipes -- Easy Polenta with Tomato Sauce from allrecipes.com and Savory Polenta with Italian Shrimp from Culinaria-- pared down and tweaked from what I had on hand and is now something that doesn't really look like either.  Does that make it mine now?

GARLIC POLENTA INGREDIENTS:
1 c. cornmeal
2 1/4 c. milk
1 14oz. can chicken broth
1 1/4 tsp. salt
1 tsp. paprika
1 tsp. garlic powder

GARLIC POLENTA DIRECTIONS:
1. In a medium saucepan, combine milk and chicken broth and bring to a boil.
2. Slowly add cornmeal and stir.

3. Turn heat to low and simmer, stirring constantly, until thick.  OR you can do like I did and forget to turn the heat down and burn your damn finger with searing hot polenta popping out everywhere.

Sure, it's just a little burn over there on my ring finger,
but it's a war wound, nonetheless.

5. Stir in remaining ingredients and add salt to taste, if needed.  Boom.

POTATOES AU GRATIN INGREDIENTS:
1 box Betty Crocker Potatoes Au Gratin (with seasoning packet)
1 cup dried potato slices
1 1/4 c. boiling water
1/4 c. skim milk + enough to cover potatoes

POTATOES AU GRATIN DIRECTIONS:
1. Mix all ingredients together pour into a medium-sized glass baking dish.
2. Pour in enough milk to cover potatoes and cook, covered, according to directions on box.  I didn't cover mine.  See where that got me?  But if you want crunchy potato chips sticking out of your potatoes au gratin, knock yourself out and forget the foil, but you've been duly warned.


Official Grade for Garlic Polenta: A+
Official Grade for Potatoes Au Gratin: A-