THE PURGE

So before I can go about mixing ingredients in new and questionable ways, I had to get rid of the bad food first.  And when I say “bad,” I mean well past the expiration date, smelly, severely freezer burned from the last ice age, and/or generally unrecognizable.  You wouldn’t have me get sick, now, would you?  I’ve got to start somewhere and that somewhere can’t have botulism.

Don't worry.  Still have plenty of crap to eat.

But I’m guessing at least one of my snarky little friends is reading this right at this very moment and saying “Ooooooo….You cheeeated….”  Balls, I say!  Let’s not forget this whole escapade is in the spirit of not wasting good food so it won't go bad and I’d like to not nab a touch o’ the ol’ food poisonin’, thank you very much.

So off to the races I went.  Mission 1: Purge.  Mission 2: Inventory.  Mission 3: Sit on the couch for awhile and watch America: The Story of Us on Netflix.  It's pretty good, actually.  I recommend it.  Mission 4: Return to 1 and 2 before it’s time for beddy-bye. 

The cabinets went well.  The freezer went well.  But then came the refrigerator.  F…M...effing…L.  I don’t know what normal people do, but the only time I clean my fridge is when I move, so there was some unidentified sticky stuff dripping down the door that I didn’t at all recognize as a consumable good.  And the person who invented the non-see-through crisper drawer clearly never met me, the out-of-sight-out-of-minder.  Grapes.  There were grapes in there.  I don’t remember buying grapes. 

All clean now! That sticky stuff got pwned.

The cabinets had their share of excitement, though.  I had to try everything in the cereal cabinet that wasn’t Cheerios to see if it was still good.  Let me tell you, that was about as enjoyable as a Brazilian.  But my personal favorite: maple syrup circa 2007.  I swear to you – swear it – that I’ve never bought maple syrup.  Ever.  In my life.  There’s either a trap door maple syrup gremlin about or Buddy the Elf is secretly living under my sofa.

Testing for goodness

But now I’m clear.  My next post will include an inventory so you can help me out and marvel at how lame I am to have so much food all to myself.