L IS FOR LOSER

The following dishes were such train wrecks that I'm not even going to bother writing up the recipes -- they're just downright awful.  Besides wanting to clue you in to where all that other food went, I wanted to share some lessons learned from each process.  Like anything in life, sometimes you have to f*** it up to figure out how to succeed.  Like our good friend Thomas Edison said: "I have not failed.  I've just found 10,000 ways that something won't work."  Boom.

BARLEY SOUP

Lesson #1: Soup sucks.
This one was actually the last meal I made and it led me to a pretty monumental conclusion: I pretty much like soup as much as I like wearing dresses.  It's good every once in awhile when the right one comes along, but it's not my go-to meal.




CHILE CHEESE CHICKEN HELPER

Lesson #2: There is only one decent Hamburger Helper on the planet and this is not it.  

I'm very much a fan of the Stroganoff but after trying several different ones, I'm convinced the guy that devised the stroganoff mix was the best employee Hamburger Helper ever had and he only lasted one day.

Lesson #3: Never use chicken from a can.  Ever.

I don't care how lazy you are.  Go the store and buy a f***ing chicken.  

CRANBERRY RAISIN COUS COUS

Lesson #4: Cous cous goes stale.
It tastes like cardboard.  Grainy, grainy cardboard.











CRANBERRY RAISIN QUINOA

Lesson #5: Quinoa goes stale.
Mnyeaaaah.











CUCUMBER SALAD

Lesson #6: Cucumber salad is an acquired taste.
My sister looooooves this sh**.  I do not.  I gave it the good college try, though.










CURRY POLENTA

Lesson #7: Cumin seeds are best used sparingly.This is by far the most disgusting thing I made throughout this whole escapade.  I used the packet of aloo gobi spice I had and since I've made aloo gobi before, I thought it would be fine.  When I made aloo gobi, however, my recipe had about a tenth of the cumin seeds as this packet.

Lesson #8: If you taste as you go, taste a mouthful.  What I found strange was that I tasted every time I added spice.  But apparently I missed the hole cumin seeds when I did.



DOWN HOME CASSEROLE

Lesson #9: Things that taste good apart do not necessarily taste good together.  Stuffing is awesome.  Broccoli is super yummy.  Grits are boooomb.  But don't put them together.  It's not like chocolate and peanut butter.  They are not friends.



ENGLISH MUFFIN BREAD

Lesson #10: Yeast expires.  Even if it doesn't say it's expired on the package. -_-

Lesson #11: Baking powder expires.  You'd think that using the same can of baking powder  my whole childhood would've tipped me off, but no, I didn't know this.  Baking powder and soda should be replaced about every six months.

Lesson #12: Low and slow.  Admittedly, because I'd never made this before it wasn't my fault it didn't cook in the middle because I followed the instructions    to the letter, but this time-honored cooking tip warrants a nod here.


FLAX CRACKERS

Lesson #13: Crackers have fat in them for a reason.  Try making low-fat crackers some time.  Your dentist will be pissed.










HALLOWEEN CANDY REMIX

Lesson #14: Chocolate is a ninja.  It has to be tempered, it doesn't melt quickly, and what tastes good out of the wrapper doesn't necessarily taste good once it's melted down.  Everything seems fine and then all of a sudden, out of nowhere, chocolate will give you a jump-kick to the nuts without even batting an eyelash.

I've done chocolates before but I use the Wilton melts, not wrapped candy.  I also suspect that the chocolate wasn't too fresh, but it tasted fine at first.

Lesson #15: Chocolate has epilepsy.  Yeah, chocolate has seizures.  If you add water (or, say, microwave it with raisins in it) it will "seize," meaning the smooth meltiness will disappear into a grainy, rocky, nasty concoction that no one wants to eat.




PEPPERONCINI COUS COUS

See: Lesson #4: Cous cous goes stale.  I didn't realized that's what was wrong with the first recipe so I used it again.  Variable isolated.  Booyah.








SALSA RICE

Lesson #16: Cutting corners isn't always worth it.
When I saw a recipe that was literally rice cooked in a jar's worth of salsa, I was like "Hell yes!  Super easy!"  But then I came face to face with this sticky, gummy, sour mess.  Blech.




SIOUX INDIAN PUDDING

Lesson #17: Some flavors aren't for everybody.
I love gingerbread.  I love pudding.  I think you can do pretty much anything with cornmeal.  But I just can't like Indian pudding.  It so strong with molasses that it's a total turn-off to me.  If you like that sort of thing, go for it, but you'll be enjoying it without me.



WHOLE WHEAT SODA BREAD

Lesson #18: Replace white flour with wheat flour sparingly.  I love wheaty breads so I made the mistake of replacing all the flour with wheat flour and it ended up not cooking or tasting right.







GROSS BEVERAGES: CHAI COLA & ACAI WHITE TEA

Lesson #19: Chai good.  Cola good.  Chai cola bad.  Why the frick do they make this?

Lesson #20:  Anybody who ever tells me they like white tea is gonna get a punch in the face.  Why?  Because you're an alien and I won't stand for it.













Stay tuned for my recipe wrap-up, a few more lessons, and my first trip to the grocery store!  In the mean time, tell me some lesson's you've learned in the kitchen....